Horse and Animal Humor
Sorry I have no source attributions for these so forgive me and feel free to advise if these beauties are yours.

Top Ten Exercises to Becoming a Better Horseman
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well
know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: " see, hon. moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, This is a learning experience,
this is a learning experience, this is..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

Cowboy Wisdom
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman, neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The quickest way to double your money is fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of folks:

The one that learns by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Dream vs Reality
Dream: Husband would suddenly develop an interest in horses. We would finally share an activity.
Reality: Husband ignores horses, except for an occasional resentful comment about how I complain I don't have enough time.

Dream: Older daughter would enjoy a pony. We would share an activity.
Reality: Older daughter finds horses too solitary a sport and too much manual labor. Pony gets sold to a horse-crazy pony-clubber. Daughter blames me for selling her pony.

Dream: Barn would be my refuge. Riding would be my SRA (Sanity Restoration Activity).
Reality: Dead on.

Dream: Guests who say they know how to ride will be right.
Reality: Most end up falling off and blaming the horse.

Dream: Guests who say they don't know how to ride will be right.
Reality: They're actually not too bad.

Dream: Teenagers who say they want to do barn chores in return for riding will be reliable.
Reality: They are very reliable as long as school, heavy dates, trips and nail appointments don't get in the way.

Dream: Horsey friends will suddenly materialize and we will share many trail rides.
Reality: Everyone else is as busy as I am and trail ride blocks of time are almost impossible to find.

Dream: Boarding someone else's horse would mean we'd share the work.
Reality: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dream: I'd be a really good rider after a few years.
Reality: Well, I'm better than I was...

Dream: Horses would be wonderful to own.
Reality: They are.

Dream: I'll only need to have the vet out twice a year for vaccines, and teeth floating.
Reality: The vet is out every _week_ and half my paycheck automatically goes to her clinic.

Dream: I'll find the time to ride at least five times a week.
Reality: On a good week, I have the time or energy to ride once.

Dream: I only need one horse.
Reality: Well, maybe I need two or three (or four or five)

Dream: My barn will be fly free because I have fabulous manure and fly management.
Reality: Flies. Everywhere. No matter what you do.

[In my case change the above to ticks <sigh>]

Dream: My horses will all get along.
Reality: Remember that one about the vet...?

Dream: It'll be really easy to find a good barn, close by, with nice people and resonably priced.
Reality: Give up after months of hell holes and build your own.

Dream: All farriers know what they're doing, and a really good one will be as easy to find as that barn.
Reality: Once you find one that doesn't lame your horse, you find out he's always at least two hours late.

Horse 1.0
Dear Tech Support:

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. Immediately, I
noticed that this program has numerous glitches. For instance,
every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and
Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an
important document, and a window will flash telling me to
run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications
I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5; however they
auto-installed with Horse 1.0.

Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer
run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0
has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money,
with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket".
Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the
manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items.

I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to
run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a
deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please
Help!!!!!

THE REPLY:

Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment
program." It is not-- it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to
make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIRE HELP; however, this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that when you boot up your computer again a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing extremely expensive, but crucial, "Vet 10.1". Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly.
If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.

Sincerely,
Tech Support

HERE IS THE HORSE POEM FIRST ---THEN READ THE TRUE ONE
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story........

When you are tense, let me teach you that there
are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW.

When you are short tempered, let me teach you
how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you
can catch me.

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to
figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am
hiding.

When you are quick to react let me teach you
that herbivores kick MUCH faster than omnivores.

When you are angry, let me teach you how well I
can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like
cantering on my right lead today, that's why.

When you are worried, let me entertain you with
my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.

When you feel superior, let me teach you that,
mostly, you are the maid service.

When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to
PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those dragons in the
forest.

When you are arrogant, let me teach you what
1200 lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go horse can do when
suitably inspired.

When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.

When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of
grain that needs to be unloaded.

When you are feeling financially secure, let me
teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services,
additional."

When you need to learn, hang around, baby. I'll
learn ya!
"In Riding Horses, We Are Borrowing Freedom!"

Inflight Conversation
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh..?"

Horse-Aholics
(by Anonymous)
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's
online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous. You may be sitting there
thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to
realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to an HA
meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to
try to determine if you can be helped.

1. Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
2. Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
3. Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
4. Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
5. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is State Line Tack'?
9. Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
10. Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
11. Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?
12. Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of paying your electric bill?
13. When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?
14. Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grandsire when you can't remember your own great grandfather's name?
15. Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
17. Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
18. Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?
19. Does you halter collection include more than four halters, all the same size?
20. Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?

If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good
shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her
"I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."
If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in
gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will
qualify eventually anyway.
If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable. My advice to those
who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....
Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be
filled with good friends and better horses, and it will NEVER be boring

Identification of the Female Equestrian...
EASY TO LOCATE.
She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD.
Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER
and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY,
providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED.
Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST.
Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS,
but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chap stick.
EASY TO OUTFIT.
No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL.
Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT.
She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN,
as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART.
Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture, which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION.
She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET.
Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on h-o-r-s-e-s, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST.
Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
SOCIALLY AWARE.
Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY.
House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
EASY TO PLEASE.
A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL.
Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house, and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS.
If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!

Kiss your ass goodbye
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was
riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right,
so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?
Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!
Arabian: Someone else do it. It might get my silky mane dirty and besides, who's gonna read me the instructions?
Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want
Standardbred: Oh for Christ Sakes, give me the damn bulb and let's be done with it.
Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.
Fresian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.
Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing lightbulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! My parole officer said it's okay, really! And when we're done we can go over to the neighbors and chase their cats!
Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that dang Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

MURPHY'S HORSE LAWS:
1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you can bet he isn't $2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.

An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas
1. Take red and green tape and covers your horse's halter for a festive look.
2. Trim your horse's hooves with pinking shears and stencil a different holiday picture on each hoof.
3. Tie ribbons on the muck tub and decorate the handle with bells. Whenever your horse poops, skip up the aisle shaking the tub, humming "Here comes Santa Claus."
4. Spray paint the pitchfork gold and decorate with raffia and holly.
5. Place a fresh lemon slice in your horse's new silver water bucket.
6. Stamp out carrot and apple treats with copper cookie cutters and decorate with royal icing and a number 2 rosette tip.
7. Collect mane and tail hair and hang in wire baskets outside the barn
for the birds.
8. Let the farm dogs drink egg nog from the toilet bowl.
9. Restuff all your pillows with horse hair saved from bodyclipping.
10. French braid your horse's tail intertwining red, gold and green threads, and make him wear a Santa hat.
11. Dress up like Santa. Put antlers on your horse. Hitch him up to manure spreader and drive around the farm yelling "on Donner, On Blitzen etc."
12. Use fresh manure to form manger scene figures. Use manure from your best horse for the Christ child.
13. Decorate yourself, your horse and your tack with Xmas tree lights. Use methane from your most flatulant horse to power the whole system.
14. Soak your white polos in starch. While still wet, form into angels. When dry, hang up around the barn.
15. Coat the barn cats in Elmer's glue and roll in red and green glitter.
16. Take the chain harrow and spell out "Merry Christmas" in your neighbour's hay field so people in airplanes can read it.
17. Change cross ties in barn to braided red licorice. Hot glue candy canes at 3 inch intervals.
18. Fill the automatic waterers with hot buttered rum.
19. Hang mistletoe over the stallion's door and let all the "girls" stop by for a kiss.
20. Train your geldings to write "Merry Christmas" in the snow! An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas

Top 10 ways you know that Martha Stewart has been in your barnyard
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.

Quotes
"There is nothing so American as our parks. The scenery and wildlife are native. The fundamental idea behind the parks is native. It is, in brief, that the country belongs to the people. Parks stand as the outward symbol of this great human principle." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

"If once in a while man has the opportunity to flee the city, throw a diamond hitch upon a pck mule and disappear into the wilderness of the covered wagon days, he is just that much more civilized than he would be without the opportunity." - Aldo Leopold

Aldo Leopold who explored wilderness on horse back envisioned that the time might come when wild lands would no longer exist to allow such a primitive experience. He said "The time is almost upon us when a pack train must wind its way up a graveled highway and turn the bell mare into the pasture of a summer hote. When that day comes, the pack train will be dead; the diamond hitch merely a rope; and Kit Carson and Jim Bridger will only benames in a history lesson."

"Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing." - Billy Rose, Theatrical Producer

HUSBANDS VS. HORSES
GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS
1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
2. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
3. A lame husband can still work.
4. A husband with a bellyache doesn't have to be walked.
5. Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.
6. They are better able to understand puns.
7. If they are playing hard to catch, you **may** be able to run them down on foot.
8. They know their name.
9. They usually pay their own bills.
10. They apologize when they step on your toes.
11. No saddle fitting problems.
12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.
13. They don't panic - running and yelling all through the house when
you leave them alone (unless you've left the kids with them too!)
14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them.

THE HORSE'S ADVANTAGE
1. If they don't work out you can sell them.
2. They don't come complete with in-laws.
3. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.
5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.
6. They smell good when they sweat.
7. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
8. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.
10. They don't want their turn at the computer.
11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.
12. They have never heard of PMS.
13. They learn to accept restraint.
14. They don't care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.

The Beginning of the End...
A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More fencing...$1,200
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$17,500
Purchase larger truck...$23,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000
More fencing...$2,000
Build small barn...$18,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase tractor...$23,000
Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
Purchase 20 acres...$285,000
Build house...$185,000
Build barn...$56,000
More fencing & corrals...$24,000
Build covered arena...$182,000
Purchase Dually...$44,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$50,000
Build house for trainer...$84,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000
Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

Riches to Rags
I worked and slaved for many years until everything was sunny,
I chose one day to have some fun with all my hard earned money.
I bought a big 2 acre ranch out on the edge of town.
I bought a palomino horse that I could ride around.
And then I bought a saddle with a fancy padded seat,
And a silver conchoed bridle and some Justins for my feet.
I bought a jingle'n pair of spurs and a big ol' Stetsen hat.
I bought some Copenhagen for the pocket where I sat.
I bought a brand new trailer, and I spent a pretty buck
On a great big, shiny, 5 speed, tandem fifth wheel pick-up truck.
I had all my equipment, I was feeling proud and pert,
'Til that lowdown, onrey critter dumped my nose right in the dirt.
I hadda pay a horse trainer to break that yellar hide,
Then I paid a little extra and he taught me how to ride.
Though everything was fine now, I started feeling pensive,
This happy fun filled horsey life was getting right expensive.
No problem, though, I now was free to ride,
And thus enjoy my well broke, well trained toy with a palomino hide.
And then for a week that's what I did on my high dollar pet,
But then he got the colic and I had to call a vet.
Now if you're thinken that docters have a career that makes them wealthy,
Just wait til you pay a vets bill to keep your horses healthy!
Then ol' Yellar started limping when he stepped down on a clod,
So I paid another wad of bills and got that cayuse shod.
And if that wasn't quite enough then winter came my way,
So I had to build a barn and buy a load of hay
They I bought a quilted blanket and a matching quilted hood,
To keep ol' yellar warm and keep him lookin good.
Sigh!
And then I took a wife, and she had a girl and boy,
They liked to ride my horse so much, I bought one each for them.
I tossed more dollars at the vet, and at the trainer too,
And don't forget the farrier with his anvel and his shoe.
We had us 4 fine horses, now, so to get where we could ride,
I bought a bigger trailer yet, and more money I goodbyed.
Then both those silly youngsters took to ridin' rodeos.
Their gear and clothes and gasoline had me paying through the nose.
And here I am today my friends, in an agitated state,
Cause somehow, those 4 horses have multiplied to eight.
I'm horse rich and money poor and am suffering great remorse
For once I was a wealthy man till I went and bought a horse.

Odd Stuff
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

On Dead Horses
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to
the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best
strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be
taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead
horses, including, but not limited to, the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8.. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The Cowboys Wife
The cowyboy looked around his cozy home upon the range,

And realized that lately he'd been seenin' some things change.

But instead of getting better, certain things were getting worse.

They sure weren't moving forward; they were going in reverse!

It was getting close to roundup time, and he'd had a trying week,

So when something made him angry, he felt inclined to speak.

The final straw came as he was readying for bed,

And the actions of his wife had that cowboy seeing red.

He'd walked into the bedroom, and found to his chagrin

His wife in her new nightie, rubbing Bag Balm on her skin.

He said, "Darlin', you know that I'm not one for confrontation,

But I think it's time that you and I had a serious conversation!

I have tried hard to be patient, but this is the last straw,

And you better pay attention, 'cause I'm laying down the law.

I'm realizing now I should have used my veto power

The first time that I found that horse shampoo stuck inside our shower.

I guess I thought it'd end there; to that I will fess up,

But the mane and tail conditioner was the next thing to show up.

Then came your daily ritual, the thought of it still pales;

You sit down at the table and rub Hooflex on your nails.

And now, I see you sitting here, pretty as you please

Slathering that Bag Balm on your hands and feet and knees.

You've got to cut this out now, or we're headed for divorce!

Good gosh! You've got me feeling like I'm sleeping with my horse!

I'm sorry that I yelled. I didn't mean to come unglued,

But I'm afraid that soon I'll find Clovite in my food!"

His wife just started laughing and exclaimed, "Don't be a ninny!"

Then she hugged her cowboy husband, and gave a little whinny!

The Race Track Field Trip:
A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers went
on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry. When it was time to take the children to the
toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other. >> > The female teacher assigned to the boys was
waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by
their arm pits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,
the teacher said, "You must be in the 3rd!" "No, ma'am,"
he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding Sea Biscuit...but thanks for the lift.

You know you're a horse person when.......
-You put a gun rack in your pickup truck to carry dressage whips and riding crops.
-You realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.
-You know you're a horse person when your six year old brother tells everyone that he's going to be the "ring steward" at your aunt's wedding!
-everytime you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
-You know you're a horse person when your husband does something nice for you and you say "good boy" and pat him on the neck.
-You get up at 5am every morning while your in college, drive 10 miles to the barn, feed, muck stalls, ride, and rush back to your 10am class smelling like a barn without complaining.
-Your mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and the dog.
-Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
-on rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
-books and movies are ruined for you if horsemanship references are incorrect.
-Your horse seems the right choice when you need to talk something out with someone.
-You find yourself analyzing leg and foot conformation on your friends, and thinking how corrective shoeing could improve their way of going.
-you run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
-When you leave work feeling stiff, tense, with a stomach- or headache, and all those feelings disappear the minute you go through the first gate to the ranch.
-You can find your boots in the dark by the aroma.
-All your stock has 4 legs.
-You grump at your husband for eating so much of the apple crop, for fear there won't be enough left to last the horses until next year.
-You're buying clothes, and you choose them on the basis of whether you can wash horse slobber/manure out of them.
- you'd rather stay up with a friend's sick horse than babysit her kids. BUT
- you will babysit a friend's kids while she stays up with a sick horse, even though you HATE babysitting.
- You go on a diet, not to be more attractive, but to be a better rider.
-You spend more on that 6 year old jumper than you've EVER spent on a car!
-You get your income tax refund and the first thing you do is head for the tack shop.
-Everytime you go to the stable, it takes 3 hours and you can't imagine where the time went.
-a non-horsey co-worker asks how your horse is and you think: "she's not doing very well since you just changed to a milder bit but you want to give her a chance to get used to it.", and you say "Fine." Because you know if you say what you are REALLY thinking, by the time you're done, your co-worker will be sitting there with a blank look on her face.
-you save every horse magazine you have ever bought.
-you drive by ANY field ANYWHERE and look very hard for horses. This includes trips to foreign countries.
-You teach your sisters how to post on the arm of the couch before their first riding lesson.
-And when ya don't have to be asked by your non-horsey family what you want for Christmas anymore, cuz they now get their own Horse catalogs.
-you find yourself eyeing the rag rug in front of the kitchen sink, wondering if it would work as a saddle blanket ...
-your toddler's first SENTENCE is "mommy go to barn?" (don't laugh, it happened!)
-you bring your notebook to the barn the night before your final exam, so you can study while you groom.
-you coax your horse into the trailer with a carrot, give him a bite, and walk out finishing it yourself.
-You dress like a lawyer on weekdays and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off.
-You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to your dressage instructor for traininng during the eighth and ninth months.
-you show up in city clothes dressed for appointments and when you get there people reach over the breakfast table to pick alfalfa out of your hair.
-No one wants to ride in your car because they'll get sweet feed and hay in their socks and purses...that's ok because then you'd have to rearrange all the tack to make room for them, anyway!